What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I think the readers, may guess!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

What is your biggest mistake or regret?

I have no regrets .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She loved him until the end.

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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

So whats the point in blame.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I was very sick at this time too.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Can anyone or anything overthrow your belief in the Jewish God?

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Would this be the day?

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

But ive been too sick for many years..

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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

So, i spoilt her more .

What habits do happy couples have?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

My family never makes their pension either.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Why are black people seen as scary or a threat to some people?

I don,t even have a pension.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

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Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I did it because my mum asked me too!

What happens to adults with Down syndrome when their parents can't look after them any more?

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

What has been your best sexual experience?

I was scared of men, in general

Ive learnt so much.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I was 9 years of age.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Comes on , in middle age.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Put me off passion for life!!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I will be 64.

My life is so biszare .

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Especially a lifetime of it.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

We all went to grammer schools

I never cut or harmed myself..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He knew the spot.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Why did i forgive my father ?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I said to her

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

She married twice! .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He resisted the act ,that day.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

(And it was in our own minds.)

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

All the time i was locked up.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

What did i know ?

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She wouldn,t have been !

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Was to survive, this bastard.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

She found it foreign!.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

This is soul school!.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

It was going to be , some day.

I couldn’t, believe it.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

And i lived it daily.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Who then, do I blame.?

I write beautiful poetry .

We were not on the streets..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Im still living with it.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

One cannot live in the past .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She was in good health!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I was seconnd youngest,

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

When she asked me how she looked .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I waited trembling.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

As i do to all so called friends.?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But, we were locked up after school.

I could never make a relationship work though!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

But it wasn’t much.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I know ,a lot about trauma.